Singles' Struggles (edited)

Since I cannot sleep, here's a pretty long post.

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Does anyone here know where the No Boyfriend Since Birth concept originated from? I'm not sure if it's safe to assume that the concept has become more popular because of Claire Betita's Book. But googling about the concept, I was always directed to sites mentioning Betita's book. I've also noticed that most of the sites I've visited are owned by Pinoys (or forums with Filipino members).

Apparently, people sharing the experience of being forever loveless have been labeled as No Boyfriend Since Birth. And some have used this label to create an AGENCY (as how my friend's professor put it) where in they find a sense of belongingness - NBSB Society. But personally, such doesn’t make sense to me. It's not as if being loveless all your life makes you part of a marginalized sector. And, it's not even a group of aficionados (e.g. theater club, etc.).

People with the same situation as I am (not having a relationship at 20 something) are suffering the narrow-mindedness of others. It’s quite unfortunate that even if we are living in a modern society, there are still people who have stuck on traditional perspectives. For instance, that to be a woman is to be a wife and mother. Hence, there are a lot of speculations and negative connotations if people find out that you’re not in a relationship and you’re already 20 or 30 something.

• Not because you're reserved (dalagang Filipina) or goody-goody, you can never have a boyfriend. There are a lot of conservative girls out there who are in a relationship. Ironically, some of those who are who aren't in a relationship are those liberated.

• While physical attributes matter, it is not the sole reason why people like someone. How will you explain those not-so-good looking people who are in a relationship

• If people find out that you’ve been single for life, they can easily assume that you’re a lesbian. While there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian, it is simply unfair to automatically judge someone who’s not in a relationship a lesbian. Dahil wala siyang boyfriend, babae din ang gusto niya. Most of us just appear “powerful” that’s why sometimes we seem to be boyish. Why? Because we want to show to most of the people that we’re not in despair.
  

• Most people who are in a relationship think that people like us live a miserable life. We’re unhappy about our situation. We’re losers because we don’t have someone to love. To set things straight, there are people in the same predicament who are really unhappy with their choice. They see themselves in a better position if they can be in a relationship. Ito iyong mga taong nakakaramdam na hindi nila kayang mabuhay kung mag-isa lang sila. On the other hand, there are people who are pretty much happy with their situation. Note that it doesn’t mean that they don’t imagine themselves to be in a relationship. It’s just that being single doesn’t create negative impact in their lives.

Obviously, being single (single since birth for that matter) is an issue. One of my friend's resource persons in her paper revealed that for her, being NBSB is a non-issue. But when asked about her view of courtship, she said that she has to be pro-active about it by dressing up partly for guys. There you go. It can never be a non-issue. It can be less of an issue but it is still an issue.

When you find yourself affected of other people’s opinion, then such has become an issue. Being affected doesn’t mean that you suddenly have the need to look for a boyfriend. But the fact that you try to prove their perspective wrong and the effort on your part to make them realize that you’re fine, create an issue.

These people must understand that we are in this situation because it is our choice. Some decided not to be in a relationship with people whom they're not attracted to. Others prefer to be single than to surrender to someone they're not interested to fall for. Meanwhile, there are just people who can never imagine themselves getting into a romantic relationship as they don't see themselves settling with anyone forever (ayaw mag-asawa, period).

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(a bit personal)

KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart.

BRIAN
You are.

KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things like music and art.
And as you know I have a gigantic heart.
So why, don't I have a boyfriend?
Fuck! It sucks to be me!

Whenever I listen to this part of the song "It sucks to be me" (from Avenue Q), I can't really help but to laugh. I'm so like Kate Monster. She teaches. I also teach (in college, not in kindergarten but some of my students act like they are). Some people appreciate the way I look and I'm not that moron at all (not smart but somehow informed). Oh, and I definitely love music and art. Hmm, I'd love to think I've a heart (as I value measuring life in love). But unlike Kate, I've an answer why I don't have a boyfriend and my life doesn't suck simply because I don't have a date.

Yes, it's a choice. Only to have a boyfriend, I could've said yes to the 'retos' that my friends and acquaintances have been telling me. Or I could've entertained those people who've directly shown their interests on me (even if I don't have a bit of interest on them). But the point is, such will never work for me. Because it won't. Sa'kin kasi, hindi pinipilit ang pakikipagrelasyon lalo na ang pag-ibig.

CHAVA, HODEL, AND TZEITEL:
(Fiddler on the Roof, "Matchmaker")

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Plan me no plans
I'm in no rush
Maybe I've learned
Playing with matches
A girl can get burned
Bring me no ring
Groom me no groom
Find me no find
Catch me no catch
Unless he's a matchless match.

I'd be a hypocrite if I'd tell you that I've never imagined myself to be in a romantic relationship. Of course, it'd be good that in time I'd be able to experience how it is to be in a relationship (how it is to be in love). But I'm someone who's open to any possibilities. So in the event that I won't experience being involved, it's not misery. That's something I want them (those who've been teasing me) to understand.

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We also have to note that it's not only ladies who suffer this kind of treatment. Men who are at their late 20's and early 30's face are in a more challenging position. Kung tayo hinahanapan lang ng boyfriend (minsan tinatanong kung kailan mag-aasawa), mas madalas tanungin ang pag-aasawa sa mga lalaki. Kung wala silang girlfriend sa edad na 27, madalas pinag-iisipan na rin sila na sila'y bakla. Kakitiran kasi ng utak iyong ganung pananaw eh.